spamford Daily prediction of Big Game

A prediction of the Big Game is in today's edition of the farm's newspaper, although it has nothing to do with football. Rather, it has to do with attributes from each school.

Cal players begin the game by bragging to Stanford players about the abundant assortment of cheap and greasy off-campus, hole-in-the-wall food joints. They describe wondrous places such as Zachary’s, Top Dawg, Fat Slice, Fenton’s, the Asian Ghetto and more: a murderer’s row (literally, the food in some joints can probably kill you) of eateries. Propelled by the greasy food, Cal rushes off to a quick touchdown. 7-0 Cal.

[snip]

Stanford players realize that University Avenue is a dream...for rich yuppies who wish they were college students. Plus, Berkeley doesn’t just shut down after bedtime. Demoralized by the Bear’s superior off-campus accommodations, the Stanford defense allows another touchdown, making it 14-0 Cal. Wait, I thought Buddy Teevens left Stanford...

[snip]

Throughout their years, Cal players have been told that Stanford looks like a Taco Bell — a really nice Taco Bell. Mystified by Stanford’s actual beauty, the Bears’ defense gives up another touchdown and Stanford rolls into halftime with a 17-14 lead.

Heading into the second half, Cal fans bring the crazy. They absolutely hate us. You can wear a Go Cal shirt here; you probably shouldn’t wear anything resembling red at Cal. Stanford has some crazy sports fans (see Sixth Man Club), but even if we win Big Game, I can’t see Stanford fans tearing down the goalpost, running it down University and performing in some animalistic ritual like Cal fans did three years ago. Fearing slaughter from their fans, the Cal offense runs down the field for a 21-17 lead.

They probably deserve another field goal because I expect some Cal kid to assassinate me once he reads this full column. 24-17, Cal.

[snip]

To start off the quarter, Jeff Tedford shows his team a clip of “The Play,” and on another extremely odd, special teams play involving the Stanford Band, the Bears reach the endzone. But like its 1982 counterpart, this play should have been nullified thrice. The ball doesn’t lie. Cal misses the extra point. Cal 30-25.

[snip]

Stanford remembers it is “Quarterback U” and thus brings in the retired John Elway to lead a march for a game-tying field goal.

But Cal uses the Axe to cut through the Stanford defense. 37-30 Cal.

Cal is about to ice the game when former Stanford provost turned Secretary of State Condelezza Rice uses her connections with the CIA to kidnap Tedford and replace him with Tom Holmoe. Holmoe does what he does best and lets the Cardinal score an easy game-tying touchdown.

The Big Game goes to overtime, and Stanford is on offense first.

Then the author goes off on some preposterous prediction that the farm will win in overtime. Someone's gotta tell the author that traders at tradesports.com are assigning a 63% probability that the Bears will win.