stanfurd banned, Part III

Letter to the rag they call the Daily: Go to Big Game

This is a call to arms. We here at the Stanford Band have been in stealth mode for much of the quarter, but we’d like to speak to you today with the greatest enthusiasm and honesty. Our apparent absence has all been part of our master plan. We hoped to lull the enemies of humor and fun into a false sense of security, but lo! Now our grandiose plan is to be unfurled: Just when the Weenies think we have been defeated, just when they think the Cardinal fans have grown silent and apathetic, just when Oski was about to stuff his face with another donut — we strike. A musical assault for all history and time will occur on Saturday. The Band will invade the Big Game, equipped with a full complement of dollies and a mighty Tree. Though the powers-that-be deem our field shows to be too lethal a weapon against Cal, we’re still going to bring the funk. Hard.

But we hope not to be alone in the sea of overzealous crazed Weenie fans. We need your help. For many of us, this is our last Big Game. But you may be saying to your yourselves: “Why, why would I want to join this suicidal assault on a stadium stacked with chagrined UC scoundrels? I have an IHUM paper to do.” No, you don’t. Here is our promise to you, the student body: we will do all of your IHUM papers and problem sets if you go to Big Game and be generally rowdy. Not “Jump during ‘All Right Now’ and sit down” rowdy. We mean shouting, creative and psychotic cheers, standing on your seat, paint-your-face-with-goats-blood rowdy. The Band, after playing at Big Game and a week’s worth of rallies will sit down and write your papers. We’ve checked with the dean of students, this is completely kosher with the honor code.

So join our ranks this Saturday. Be there as we witness the greatest thing ever and we take back what is ours. The Band knows our football team has a better game plan than our own to win the day; they only ask your help in bringing the funk.

To arms and Go Cardinal!

The Band

First grade inflation, and now cheating? And they think they are better than Us?